I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
