Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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