Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
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Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
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I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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