i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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