Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
