never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Too much gin, very little bucket
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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