I'm pants shitting drunk right now
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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