he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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