I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
