My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
