i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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