just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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