Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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