I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
