so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
