My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
