I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
