Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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