Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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