girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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