Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Randomize
