He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
