two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
