You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
