I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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