You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
