I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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