It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
