I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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