Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
