Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
