I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
