i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
is wine microwaveable?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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