It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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