i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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