I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
