I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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