How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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