How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
