If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
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