just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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