you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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