im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
