I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
