Dude my mom stole all your condoms
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
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