I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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