I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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