i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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