And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
