i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
