she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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