I just saw a hot homeless man
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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