ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
