Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
