I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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