I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
