his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
