life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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