I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
