Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Randomize
