omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
she looked like the before picture.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
