you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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