Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
