Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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